a hands-on lesson

a lesson I learnt in life.

someone asked me this recently.

it made me wonder, are we all just products of the lessons we were forced to learn from?

even as far to ask, would I still be me if I was never friends with that one being? or left on that same street?

when I passed that stranger? or watched that film?

or is it deeper?

like, would I still be who I am now if I never felt grief? heartbreak?

would I still love so boundless, if I had received equally shared love before?

would I still be creative, if I was forced into a career of black and white clothes?

would I still hide my tears, if I was never told I was too much?

would I still conceal my thoughts, if I sat in another room?

the truth is, probably not.

we all wonder why things happen, why any creator would permit such awful times?

although, the answer still remains the same.

everything happens for a reason.

because, no.

I would never be even half the person I am today if I was never suffering.

that pain I felt so vividly, is just a lesson I had to learn.

I may not have even laid on the earth for two decades, but my mind is beyond my years.

and despite the unexplainable guilt and anguish I felt so clearly, I wouldn’t be here without out.

I care and think so deeply, because I was forced to learn to.

the biggest misconception is that it’s easy to just accept this— spolier, it’s not.

my heart is twisting itself in knots, and pulling at the strings trying to provoke me.

and it does, it works—every single time.

that who I am, I mean, would life still have the same meaning if it held no suffering.

would the intimacy of a silent tear still be anything if there was no emotion behind it?

would a gesture of holding another’s hand prove to be worthless if there was no love pulsing through our intertwined limbs?

would a shared smile simply be a turn of lips?

no, it wouldn’t.

things would be singular, the same.

nothing changes, nothing worth staying around for.

being human, it hurts.

every single one of us have felt it.

experienced the same feeling in our own unique ways, and maybe that’s bad.

maybe I’m just stupid for searching for more where there clearly wasn’t any to begin with.